In defense of… North

Man, was that picture hard to find.

(EDIT: That’s the THIRD picture I’ve had to find, all the others keep crashing. It’s like this movie sucks so hard it’s trying to retroactively erase itself from the internet.)

Now, don’t think I’m going to defend this movie, because I’m not. It’s crap. It’s awful. It insulted my intelligence when I begged my brother to see it when I was nine. I was ashamed to see it. I was ashamed my brother had to see it. I was ashamed it existed, even going so far as to try to simply blank it out of my memory for more than fifteen years. Then, as if by fate, one of my favorite internet funnymen, the Nostalgia Critic, reviewed the movie a few weeks ago.

It’s in no way safe for work, and there’s quite a bit of bad humour and language. But hey, I laughed.
Moving on…
Upon seeing this movie torn a new one all over again, my adult mind decided to resurrect the decaying memory and see what I could do with my now super-powered adult brain to pull a Dr. Frankenstein and make it live again as a real idea. And, lo and behold, something actually happened.
I found a redeeming quality in this movie which Siskel called “junk” and Ebert said he “hated, hated, hated, hated.” Does that mean I’m some kind of ethereal, Super-intelligent stallion pinnacle of a man?
No, it just means I’m yet another whiny guy on Livejournal who thinks his opinions matter.

I smell an Oscar!!!

The movie “North” tells the story of a kid, about eleven or so, who thinks his parents are too busy and don’t spend enough time doting on him. As such, he decides that cozy suburban hum-drummery is no longer for him, and becomes an emancipated youth in search of “new” parents. Wacky misadventures ensue, almost none of them funny, until he, with the help of his spirit guide (Bruce Willis?), finally realizes that his parents are important.

But not before he gets shot by his former best friend who is using the fact that North got emancipated to give power to kids and threaten every parent on the planet with desertion. Of course, none of this is real, and North wakes up back in his “secret spot” or some such rubbish in a department store, where it turns out it was ALL JUST A DREAM.
Believe me, I hated that as much at nine as I do now. When it’s hackneyed for a fourth-grader, it’s pretty damn hackneyed. This movie is awful, full of cliches and plots that are, actually, pretty darn insensitive and possibly even racist. It’s all lame and tried and boring, and the ending is really just the crab apple on a crap sundae.
There is merit to this movie. I don’t know if it was Rob Reiner’s plan, but he managed to make a movie that looked like it was written by a child. Every lame joke, every broadly and badly drawn character, even the bits where North is shown as this charismatic, loved-by-all wunderkind that his parents JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND so he has to leave them because THEY’LL FEEL BAD WHEN I’M GONE. It’s like reading any of the dashed off tripe from the pseudo-literary chumbucket known as Comic Genesis. Basically, this movie is what would happen if you gave a kid a few million and let him or her make a biography.
And the result is bad.
So what have we learned?
For the most part, kids are pretty stupid. At least on an adult level. As such, they shouldn’t be considered on the same level as adults. “North” is proof of this. If Rob Reiner went out of his way to show just how stupid kids are, I salute him. In my other life, well… let’s just say I work with kids. And I know they’re stupid. But for some reason every child today is made to think that he is the genuine, best, godlike perfect little super special snowflake and no one else is better because YOU’RE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
Sorry, kids. You’re not. You’re lame just like everyone else except Columbo and Sean Connery. “North” is proof. Thank you, Rob Reiner, for giving me the perfect teaching tool to show that kids should not be considered equal, or better than, adults. They are vapid, self-centered little dips who really wish a world like the one presented in “North” would exist, and for that they fail. “North” is a terrible movie, but the spirit of the movie is golden. I like to think that Mr. Reiner purposefully made a bad movie just to get back at the spoiled, entitled generation of mouth-breathers that will soon be inheriting the earth, God have mercy on us all.

Plus, he’s a Cubs fan who made “the Princess Bride,” I’ve GOT to defend him.

I encourage everyone who works with children, or even near children, to see this movie. If you haven’t seen the movie, go find it, or watch the Critic’s review. It will make you feel better and reinforce your very, very true belief that children are not the shining exemplars of everything human, they’re just imperfect adults.
Imperfect adults who make horrible movies.
Horrible movies with Bruce Willis in a pink bunny suit.
Until we meet again, I tenderly remain,

2 thoughts on “In defense of… North”

    1. Pricess Bride 2: Bride Harder

      They made a book from that movie?


      But seriously, I think only the most devoted even know the book exists, even though it features pretty prominently in the movie. What’s more, the movie’s already set the bar so high that I’m afraid to read the book, and even if I did I would have to read it like Peter Falk, and my Columbo impersonation is awful.

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