I am so going to Hell for this.

The first wave of the army for good, a massive wedge made from the Judeo-Christian alliance, slammed into the terrified and confused ranks of evil, scattered their opponents like ninepins. Steve and Sara were at the head of the roiling spearpoint, hacking and slashing with their blessed weapons at everything dark and twisted that lay before it. Wicked demons and demi-devils fell before the surge, which had surprised the forces of evil with their sudden coalescence and team strategy. Once the Alliance hammered into the front lines, pincer formations from the Islamic and Asiatic leagues would swoop down to cripple each of Lucifer’s flanks, hopefully ending the battle in three swift echelons.
Speed was a necessity, and the key to winning at Megiddo. With Thrones providing medical care on one end, and cruel necromancers doing the same for the other, this was not a war that would be won with a body count. Each of the dead would be brought to the back lines as soon as possible and resurrected, ready to fight again in a matter of minutes. The rules of Earth held no sway in the battle known as Armageddon, where the divine and the defiled fought for supremacy over the mortal realm. After the initial tidal wave, the forces of evil managed to rally back and form a skirmish line, halting all progress of the battle due to their massive numbers. The element of surprise lost, the smaller forces of good fought with all their hearts to hold their position, hoping to somehow win enough captives to force the vain and self-centered warriors of evil into surrender.
But the battle carried on. Time lost all meaning. There was no day, no night, only the reddened sky of war and the browned crust of the Earth. Everything had stopped, the fate of creation hanging in the balance. Sara and Steve fought on, not knowing hunger, not knowing thirst, not knowing fatigue, held up by the spark of the Divine that carried them into battle time and again, injury after injury, death after death. And still the battle raged on.
“There’s! Too! Many! Of! Them!” Sara shouted, punctuating each word by slaying another evil one, which dissolved into ashes on the breeze, “Don’t we have any reinforcements?”
Steve dispatched a snarling creature with his own flaming sword. His armor was still flawless and burnished as the day it had been wrought.
“We’ve called up the faithful from every religion in the world, from tribes of five to congregations of billions. Every being that has ever existed has joined this fight. We must keep faith that good will prevail.”
“EVERY being?” Sara ducked a leaping demon and neatly eviscerated him as he flew by over her head.
“Save God and the Prophets,” Steve said. A foe had crept up on Sara in her momentary disbelief and was preparing to strike. Using the powers granted him, Steve thrust out his free hand and, with a whiff of brimstone, burned out the enemy’s eyes.
“And why aren’t THEY here?!” Sara said angrily, grinding the adversary’s dead skull into the dead ground in a cloud of dust.
“It is not their way,” Steve said grimly as he plunged his sword into a screeching villain’s chest.
“How nice for them,” she gritted, slaying five with out sweeping arc… but it never did any good. There were always more, always more wicked in the world than good, and they seemed to be fighting a losing battle. On and on it raged until the evil had cornered the army of the righteous, from Catholic to Buddhist, and was moving in for the kill. Lucifer stood at the forefront, cackling and taunting the overwhelmed forces of the Divine.
“Where are your Gods now, hm?” He sneered, leaning on his blackened sword, “Oooh, I’ve waited so long to say that! And look! Ol’ Deus was even nice enough to throw in my half-assed replacement among the captured! Oh, this is just too rich!”
“I’d tell you to go to Hell, Lucifer,” Steve said, brushing ginger hair away from his lightly freckled face, “But I think you’re headed for somewhere much worse than that.”
“Oh!” Lucifer giggled, “Oh, that’s wonderful, the old ‘you’ll never get away with this’ malarkey! How classic!”
“You really think you’ll win, don’t you?”
“Of course I do! Fuck, if you’re the best they can send me, I can see why!”
He cocked his head skyward and began to bellow.
“Do you hear me, God? Allah? Buddha? You great, merciful cocksucker? Where are you, huh? Why aren’t you here to save your little fucking pet project? Aren’t you merciful and all that shit, huh? Where’s all this fucking mercy? Well, you little suck-up, aren’t you going to say anything?!”
He turned to Steve and dug the blade into the shoulder of the new Satan, between the plates in the Heavenly armor. Thought it caused him great pain, and the wound hissed as if on fire, Steve gritted his teeth and laughed.
“Go fuck yourself, Lucifer. I know that my Redeemer lives!”
“Ooooh, look who learned a Bible verse!” Lucifer mocked him with a high-pitched shriek, “Aren’t you going to show that good really does conquer, Yahweh? Or is this just part of your stupid little plan, eh?”
His head cocked downward, hand to his bearded chin.
“Maybe I’m supposed to ravage the world, and maybe then Old Man Creation will step in and wipe the slate clean,” He returned to shouting at the blood-red sky, “Gonna remake the world after this, eh? Gonna quit, you pussy?”
“SHUT UP!” a voice shrieked from the captives. Lucifer was taken aback by the shrill intensity, which gave Sara the time she needed to continue.
“You just don’t get it, do you Lucifer? You’re evil, even an animal can see that. You want to hurt, you enjoy hurting and being hurt, you do things that hurt yourself. Anyone can tell you that you are aberrant, you are wrong. There is no gray area here, and you will pay for what you have done.”
“Wowee!” Lucifer smacked a hand to his cheek in mock surprise, “That was a good one! Did you teacher her that, Red? Really poetic. Must be something about fighting for God, turns everyone into a walking fucking proverb book…”
He raised his sword into the air, ready to cleave their heads from their shoulders.
“But it’s not going to help. I’ve captured all your Thrones, There’s no one here to save you.”
He wound up the sword with both hands, like a major league slugger looking for a grand slam, but as he brought the sword round to cleave both Sara and Steve’s heads from their shoulders, a bolt of lightning split through the bloody clouds, striking the ground between Lucifer and his captives and throwing the Prince of Darkness back into his collected troops, eyes wide open in a momentary fear that was soon replaced with his customary arrogance. As the lightning dissipated, a figure stood in the way of Lucifer’s black sword, halting the blade his his naked hand, holding it perfectly level as he stood with his back to the armies of evil. As the light faded away, the visage of Jesus Christ: trimmed beard, medium-length brown hair, slightly swarthy skin and kind, compassionate smile shined down upon his captured army.
“Nice job, you two,” he said with a wink to Steve and Sara, then turned to face Lucifer. He cast the black blade aside, allowing it to thud dangerously between Lucifer’s sprawled legs. The Adversary sprang to his feet and, with a few tugs, wrenched the sword from the ground and leveled it at Jesus.
“Ah, the ultimate prodigal son, Daddy’s favorite. You finally got Poppa’s permission to play with the other kids?”
“In a way,” Jesus said calmly, spreading his arms out at his sides and instantly swapping his robe for glittering alabaster armor.
“Very nice,” Lucifer snorted, “Very Sailor Moon. But tell me…can you do this?”
He threw his hand upward to the sky, and each one of his army flew into his beings as if they were simply mirages, giving their powers to him as he grew stronger and stronger as billions of blackened souls fortified his own. When all was finished, all that remained of Lucifer’s army was Lucifer himself, with thick, towering horns of black, whiplike black tail and vicious looking black trident to match his onyx sword. He smiled, and with pointed fangs hissed at Jesus.
“Well, Son of Man, what do you think of us now?”
Jesus laughed. He put his head in his hand and laughed quietly.
“You never got it, Lucifer, did you? You never figured it out. You absorb all the other facets of your evil, you seek to dominate them and lord yourself over all… and it’s a foolish venture. You arm yourself with sword and spear, but you have no shield and your weaknesses are too easily seen.”
“I suppose you have something better?” the monster cackled.
“Yes, I do.”
He held out his right hand, and in a trice every crucifix and cross from every installation through time and space flew to his fingers, whirling and wheeling in a heavenly chorus before coming together, forming one giant cross that became one terrible, swift sword.
“I arm myself with the word of God.”
He held his sword high in the air, and a Muslim moon spun forth from Mecca to land upon the cross, forming a glittering and impenetrable hilt.
“I protect myself with the words of Muhammad.”
He held out his left hand, and a massive Star of David glittered into view, covering his hand, wrist and forearm as a shield.
“And I shield myself with the ancient teachings of Yahweh. My armor is the strength of each good and righteous soul that fights here today, of every creed, race, and gender. I am their strength, the strength of the righteous personified.”
He gave the sword a test, swinging it round and round in a glittering arc. The blade sang beautifully in perfect harmony as it cut through the stale and tepid air. Lucifer guffawed.
“That’s all you’ve got? That’s all your gang of super-friends can do?”
Jesus shrugged, still smiling.
“You are the Christian devil, and as such I, the Christian savior, am held responsible. The time has come for the Divine to enter the fight, for the Prophets to take up arms.”
He struck his shield, and all three sung up a beautiful three-point song. Jesus raised the sword above his head, pointed the hilt at the Adversary, and held the shield before him. His smile had faded, and his eyes were cold and hard set.
“Now it ends.”

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