KING SIZE update!

Here’s all the latest music:

(We see BILL and JAKE, back at the bar. BILL’s looking a little worse for wear: his clothes are still nice, but noticeably more rumpled. Less pride is put into his appearance. JAKE, unflappable as ever, is still in his red and gray striped sweater.)

JAKE: Women!

BILL: Yeah.

JAKE: She didn’t even say anything?

BILL: Not to me. She laid everything out with the guy, got it all figured out. She’s getting most of it, of course…

JAKE: Did you claim any fault?

BILL: I think we’re calling it “irreconcilable difficulties.”

JAKE: Bull!
(puts down the beer he’s chugging.)
You don’t have to do this, Bill! You’re gettin’ taken for a ride, you can’t just let her walk all over you!

BILL: I’m not so sure, Jake… she says I’ve been really distant, and to tell the truth I have been spacing out lately…

JAKE: You’ve always been like that, dumbass. I can’t remember a day back when we were kids that you didn’t get busted daydreaming.

BILL: But… I thought I was done with that, when we got married…

JAKE: Jeez, you’re dense.
(beckons for another round.)
You’re buying. Let me tell you something, Billy: if you felt like you had to fundamentally change who you were to marry someone, then you shouldn’t have married that person.

BILL: (a little annoyed) Because you have plenty of experience, I suppose?

JAKE: Why do you think I don’t get married? No woman on Earth’s ready for this!

BILL: (ignoring him) Besides, April made me feel good…happy, even.

JAKE: Well, does she make you happy right now?

BILL: …no…

JAKE: Well, good riddance.
(the waitress arrives with new beers. JAKE is elated.)
and Mazel Tov!

BILL: Jake, how can you say that?

JAKE: What? Just because I’m not Jewish?

BILL: Don’t be an ass. I meant about April. I thought you two were friends.

JAKE: Well, pal, the lines got drawn as soon as the split happened, and I suddenly wound up as persona non grata in her camp. You wouldn’t believe who she’s been talking to, lately…

BILL: Who?

(JAKE is far too busy drinking.)

BILL: (stronger) Who?

(at that moment, we see APRIL walk into the bar, almost being pushed from behind. She stumbles in, scowling, and is followed by a tell, leggy blonde knockout, nearing middle age but still very vivacious. She wears the sort of outfit she should have stopped wearing fifteen years ago, but no one is going to complain about. APRIL catches sight of BILL and freezes, BILL does a similar thing at the table. Both JAKE and the FRIEND try to force the two to deal with the situation, the usual “show them you’re not missing them” schtick. Neither BILL nor APRIL seem into it, and balk excessively, frozen and bordering on nausea. Finally, with a grumble, the FRIEND shoos her back out. BILL is still at the table, thunderstruck, as if he’s seen a ghost.)
BILL: …Georgia?

JAKE: (draining another beer) Holee shit, Georgia! I told you she wouldn’t believe it, Billy-boy! It looks like your two solitary conquests have joined forces to smite you! Hahahaha, you should see your freakin’ face!

(we cut to outside the bar where APRIL is trying, unsuccessfully, to escape. GEORGIA, it seems, has a bit of a…weight advantage on her, if only in her blouse.)

GEORGIA: April! Damn it all… would you stop?!

APRIL: I can’t go in there! I’m not ready!

GEORGIA: What do you mean, ‘you’re not ready?’ It was you’re idea in the first place!

APRIL: I know, but…

GEORGIA: I barely know you, girl! You call me up outta nowhere, and I come all the way from downtown to help. You say you’re having trouble with Bill, and I know trouble with Bill, but the minute I get there you go bananas and say you wanna go down to the bar. Ya know, to rub it in his face. And then, April, after I cart my tuchas down here, along with your bony butt…you ditch!

APRIL: I just…I guess I’m not ready, or something… will you let me go?

GEORGIA: (holding her in a bearhug, looking her square in the eye) You promise not to bail?

APRIL: (a little uncomfortable being put to the squeeze)
Promise.

(he lets her go and, gasping, she takes a few steps away, but holds firm. GEORGIA crosses her arms triumphantly.)

GEORGIA: Good. Didn’t feel like runnin’ ya down, anyway.
(she leans against the brick wall of the building adjacent to the bar.)

So what’s up?

APRIL: I don’t know, all right? I was all ready to be angry at him, you know, really pissed… but I saw his face, and he looked so sad, and I…

GEORGIA: I bet you just wanted to snuggle up and make all his problems go away, eh?

APRIL: (ashamed)
…yeah…

GEORGIA: (ruffling her short, brown hair with a giggle.)
I don’t blame ya. He’s still a cute little goober. I just couldn’t deal with him all the time. I see him, and yeah he’s all right… but then I remember stuff, and it ain’t so good. How bout you? When you see him, what do you see?

(the camera slowly tucks in around APRIL’s face as she battles her emotions: love, hate, frustration, adoration, sadness, hope, and so on. GEORGIA sends up another round of giggles.)

GEORGIA: You look confused, darling. Why?
(she starts to trail her fingers along APRIL’s face, down to her collarbone.)
Need any help… convincing yourself?

(APRIL slaps her hand away.)

APRIL: Knock it off.

(GEORGIA laughs, heartily, and links arms with her. APRIL has nowhere to run.)

GEORGIA: C’mon, Ape… I’ll go get you a drink someplace else…
(a bouncy beat seems to start up out of nowhere, and GEORGIA begins a saucy, semi-Latin tune. APRIL casts nervous glances about, wondering just what in the Hell is going on. No one else seems to notice, and in fact the entire street scene seems to start moving to the beat: car horns, footfalls, traffic lights, even the pickle-bucket-drummer on the street.)

GEORGIA: (really playing it up)

Your heart is broken
To your surprise
You’re sick of crying
For blue eyes

(she dots APRIL on the nose, and we can clearly see that both of their eyes are brown. However, we’ve seen several times that BILL’s are, indeed, blue.)

So tired of living
Misunderstood
Think hard woman
I think you should

(this is drawn out, with GEORGIA being just a tiny bit touchy-feely before she hits the punchline in the next word.)

Come, sorrow is so peculiar

(she shrugs.)

It comes in a day, then it’ll never leave you

(APRIL starts to, frankly, freak out. She begins to dig in her purse to calm herself down, but GEORGIA stops her, placing hands on hers, still singing.)

You take a pill, wonder if it will fix you
They wonder why sorrow has never left you

(the melancholic last few lines blow away as the chorus kicks in, with GEORGIA doing an ersatz flamenco with the street drummer. She can’t exactly hike up her miniskirt, but she tries. The drummer doubles her part.)

I’m talkin’ bout blue eyes, blue eyes
What’s the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What’s the matter matter
so blind, so blind
What’s the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What’s the matter with you?

(she saunters over and faints melodramatrically into APRIL’s arms.)

Ohh, you’ll wind up broken
At the end of the round
Won’t find your spirit
In a lost and found

(she bounces back up, looking directly into APRIL’s eyes. GEORGIA doesn’t have much concept of personal space.)

Oh I’ve been watching
How you behave
Not much like a lover

(she grabs her in a tight embrace. APRIL stiffens.)

More like a slave

(she proceeds to “whip” APRIL across the bottom with a sharp slap. APRIL recoils in horror and shock, but GEORGIA beckons her closer with fingers curling.)

Come, sorrow is so peculiar
It comes in a day, then it’ll never leave you
You take a pill, wonder if it will fix you
They wonder why sorrow has never left you

(she drags APRIL over by the drummer and tries to teach her a few steps. APRIL grudgingly begins to follow along, but is secretly enjoying the freedom of being silly.)

I’m talkin’ bout blue eyes, blue eyes
What’s the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What’s the matter matter
so blind, so blind
What’s the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What’s the matter with…

(APRIL starts to triple the part, along with GEORGIA and the drummer.)
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What’s the matter matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What’s the matter matter
so blind, so blind
What’s the matter, matter

(they dance. You know, how people dance during songs like this.)

Blue eyes, blue eyes
What’s the matter with you?
What’s the matter with you?
What’s the matter with you

(The song ends as GEORGIA bends APRIL down into a graceful dip, then pulls her back upright and plants a massive kiss on her lips. APRIL’s eyes pop open and nearly pop out of her head. We have the frame freeze right there and go to black and white, while we zoom out to see that frame on a chalkboard, with BILL in a labcoat, big glasses, and wooden pointer playing the professor. He gestures at the board as the next song begins.)

Could you believe the same old story
Yeah, it never bores me, though I’ve heard it all before

(he draws a circle around GEORGIA’s face, still pressed to APRIL’s)

Her name was Georgia and she was gorgeous
When she adored ya the whole room would get to know

(the camera crashes into the chalkboard, which becomes sort of a portal into the past, and a hospital years ago. We can see a teenaged GEORGIA clad in breezy pink, literally bouncing down the hall, both the curls in her hair and the… well, you know. Almost every man in the hallway stops to gawk as she makes her way to a particular room.)

Like a movie that was filled with lust
Coming at you with a double D bust

(we see her walk into the room, where a young BILL is laying on a bed, leg in a sling, still wearing a jersey. She hands him a little box of candies and kisses him right on the lips.)

At the bed of a wounded soldier
In a rush cause she’s getting older

(indeed, we see in a rush her getting older, doing what the song says. A few more years into high school, and BILL is obviously nervous and looking particularly underage at the bar whilst GEORGIA tries to get him to join in the merriment.)

Hanging out in the fancy bars
With the boys who can play guitar
Listen up, cause I’ve got to warn ya
She’s gonna make it out in California

(we come back to BILL in the empty black room, dressed as the professor with the goofy glasses. He’s half lamenting, half rhapsodizing. The board now shows the closeup picture of GEORGIA from the hospital hallway. He’s obvious singing the praises of GEORGIA, taking time to touch the board thoughtfully and bemoan what has happened.)

Hey you, what’s a good girl like you
Doing in this crazy world
Where’s the good gone girl
Dance, dance to the life you wanted
When you were only seventeen
With your good girl dream

Ooooo….good gone girl

(we have a shot of BILL in profile, which he jerks his head sideways in music video fashion so he is looking to the side, directly into the camera for the “could you believe” segment. After that, we see that APRIL’s picture is now on the board, but it’s the picture of her from the divorce meeting, cold and stoic. BILL’s tone is now sardonic, mocking, clearly upset with the way she’s treated him.)

Could you believe, the same old phonies
Those painted ponies, that you’ve ridden all before

(he makes the appropriately vulgar action for that last line)

Her name was April, but she was hateful
Enough to make you want to run right out the door

(a stinging indictment of his soon-to-be ex-wife, accusing her of only wanting a steady husband with money. A full length picture of APRIL appears on the board, and is progressively dressed with a gown, pearls, and other opulence.)

I can tell you what you want the most
Hanging out for the champagne toast
When the end of the night gets tricky
Don’t you know that beggars can’t be picky
Looking out for a man who’s golden
Doesn’t matter if he’s old, he’s rolling
Coming at you like a desperate hunter
Sugar daddy, he’s just a munter

(this time, we can see APRIL in the gown, black and white, dancing at some society ball, but this time BILL’s voice is coming from several rich old men at the ball, catcalling as she walks by. Oddly, we can see BILL arm in arm with APRIL, though silent and looking wholly uncomfortable.)

Hey you, what’s a good girl like you
Doing in this crazy world
Where’s the good gone girl
Dance, dance to the life you wanted
When you were only seventeen
With your good girl dream

(cut back to BILL in the thick glasses, fairly shouting at the picture on the board, which features APRIL in her finery, sporting a distasteful glance at the men.)

Hey you, what’s a good girl like you
Doing in this crazy world
Where’s the good gone girl
Dance, dance to the life you wanted
When you were only seventeen
With your good girl dream

Ooooo….good gone girl

(as he’s going through all these “oooooo’s” we see the BLONDE, flannel clad, ponytail, just as mysterious as before, walk out from behind the board. Her words fill under the falsetto vamping from BILL)

BLONDE:
She’s walking around all over town
Needs somebody to notice, but the goodness gets her down
She’s happy to choose somebody to use
Good gone girl she’s got nothing left to loose

(the BLONDE moves into position behind BILL, who is looking straight out and up to the sky, bemoaning the situation. He has yet to see the BLONDE face to face.)

She’s walking around all over town
Needs somebody to notice, but the goodness gets her down
She’s happy to choose somebody to use
Good gone girl she’s got nothing left to loose

(at the last repetition, we see the BLONDE standing behind BILL, whispering in his ear. There’s a closeup on her painted lips…odd for someone dressed so casually.)

She’s walking around all over town
Needs somebody to notice, but the goodness gets her down
She’s happy to choose somebody to use
Good gone girl she’s got nothing left to loose

(the song fades out as we swirl back into reality, with BILL being shot from above, back on the psychiatrist’s couch. He blinks, as if coming out of a sleep, and immediately becomes ashamed.)

BILL: Shit.

DR. JOHN: (from his desk across the office.) Welcome back, Bill.

BILL: Sorry, doctor… I did it again…

DR. JOHN: It’s all right, we’ll get that under control eventually. For now, I’d like to talk about what I heard. Who is this Georgia? You haven’t mentioned her before.

(BILL lets out an audible sigh, a long and painful one.)

DR. JOHN: Bill…

(BILL actually audibly groans from the couch.)

You’ve got to tell me these things, or I can’t help you.

BILL: Okay… (another sigh)
You know how every person has that one relationship from when they were younger that they regret?

DR. JOHN: (after a thoughtful pause) I suppose.

BILL: Well, that’s Georgia: Tall, blonde, and with a body that could stop traffic halfway around the world.

DR. JOHN: And this was a… problem?

BILL: No! Well…not that, anyway… we met in high school. She was a cheerleader, the whole time I was wondering “what does she want with me?” y’know? She actively pursued me, and let me tell you, when Georgia actively pursues someone, it’s… active.

DR. JOHN: (raising his eyebrows) Hmm?

BILL: She doesn’t really take no for an answer.

(a slightly uncomfortable pause.)

DR. JOHN: Was the relationship…sexual?

(we can see BILL visibly crumple into the upholstery.)

BILL: (mousey) Yes.

DR. JOHN: And you never quite thought you were… deserving of a woman with her… qualifications?

BILL: (with a wry chuckle) You could call it that. High school cred, if you know what I mean.

DR. JOHN: I think I do.

BILL: I mean, it was ridiculous! Girls like her date the stars, not the backups! You know what I mean, right? Didn’t you play sports in high school?

DR. JOHN: I played tennis.

BILL: (stopped dead in his tracks) Really?

DR. JOHN: (leveling his brow) Really.

BILL: Wow.

DR. JOHN: (a little peeved.) Remember, Mr. Brown, you’re paying for us to talk about you. Now, when it came to this Georgia…

BILL: Something about it just didn’t add up.

DR. JOHN: And that’s why you broke it off?

BILL: …not exactly.

(another pregnant pause.)

DR. JOHN: Well?

BILL: (groaning) Do you really need to know?

DR. JOHN: It’s my job, Bill.

BILL: Okay!
(he musters his courage)
…she liked to like girls.

DR. JOHN: Pardon?

BILL: She swung both ways, all right?

DR. JOHN: I see. And this bothered you?

BILL: Well…yeah! Something about it just isn’t…right!

DR. JOHN: I see.

BILL: Stop saying that.

DR. JOHN: (with a slightly sadistic smile) Sorry. So, you broke up with her?

BILL: Not that she’d really listen to me. Took me halfway through college and a bunch of unanswered phone calls for her to finally give up the ghost. Hell, she was still calling me when I got engaged!

DR. JOHN: To April?

BILL: (crumpling again) Yes… to April.

DR. JOHN: And you just saw her, didn’t you? At the bar?

(BILL sits in stony silence. DR. JOHN tries again.)

DR. JOHN: How do you feel about April?

BILL: I’m not ready to talk about that.

DR. JOHN: Just as well, I suppose. Our time’s almost up for the day. I look forward to seeing you next week.

BILL: (a bit distracted. He notices he’s been sweating.)
Yeah, sure…

(The camera follows him as he walks out of the office, shaking his head and muttering.)

I need a drink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *