Back by (my) Popular Demand!

Tip: Man, I LOVE club sandwiches.
Eddie: Yyyup.
Tip: I mean, the turkey, and the bacon, and the way everything comes together…just…mmmmm!
Eddie: Yyyup.
Tip: But…you know…it’s not the same.
Eddie: How so?
Tip: Well, think of it this way. This is just a sandwich, right? Bread, meat, cheese, condiments, some veggies…you know.
Eddie: And?
Tip: Well…I could go out to the store, right now, and get some bread, and some meat, and some condiments and what have you, but…
Eddie: But what?
Tip: But it wouldn’t taste the same. No matter what, a sandwich you make doesn’t taste as good as one that some other guy makes for you.
Eddie: I suppose so.
Tip: Wanna know what I think?
Eddie: Morbid Curiosity and the sake of my well being hasn’t stopped me yet.
Tip: I think… that it tastes so good because it’s the taste of servitude.
Eddie: *blank stare*
Tip: Think about it! You go to a deli, and you get a sandwich. A sandwich is a sandwich, man! But it tastes better…because someone else did it for you! You said to that guy, “make me a sammich!” and he did and it tastes better because you commanded it. In a way, it tastes better because you have enlisted the services of your very own, private, club sandwich bitch!
Eddie: Ever think your obsession with food goes a little far?
Tip: Come on! Think about it! Why else did you think the Southerners didn’t wanna give up slavery? The cotton farms? Shit no! It was because their sandwiches were FUCKIN’ AWESOME. Not only did they have sandwich bitches, but they never had to pay a damn dime after day one!
Eddie: …how much coffee have you had today?
Tip: …not that much…
But seriously, think about it! I could go into Burger King, go behind the counter, use their products, their appliances, their amenities, and make my own Whopper…but I bet it wouldn’t taste as good as one that putz behind the counter made!
But honestly, why the fuck is he so special? I mean, why is some pimply faced 15 year old capable of making such a great sandwich for me? Is it because of the nose rockets he’s secretly firing into my burger? Or is it because he’s my bitch, if only for a short time?
Eddie: …never say “nose rockets” again
Tip: I tell ya, man…it’s like they’re inside my head. Sun Tzu said “know your enemy” and they sure as shit know me. I don’t know how they do it, but they find some way to make that sandwich just how I want it. They know what I want…and they do it. And it tastes so good because I commanded it, and they did it, and for one brief moment I lorded power over another human being for means of sustenance! I command, they deliver, and it tastes sooooo gooooood!
Eddie: You’re scaring the waitresses.
Tip: Think about it, man…you know I’m right!

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