Leitzen 2018 – So Shines a Good Deed

Part One is here.

OLIGARCHY: You’re a kook!  You’re a pie-in-the-sky idealist!  That’s what you are.  How can you do a thing like this?  Build up the Middle Class’ hopes and then smash all his dreams to pieces.  You’re a Communist!

PROGRESSIVE: I said Good Day!

OLIGARCHY: Come on, Middle Class, let’s get out of here.  I’ll get even with him if it’s the  last thing I ever do.  If Sanders wants us to vote for Hillary, that’s what we’ll do.

(Long pause.)

MIDDLE CLASS: Mr. Progressive . . .

(Middle Class leaves his last $27 on the Progressive’s desk.)

PROGRESSIVE: So shines a good deed in a weary world.

Middle Class  . . . You won!  You did it!  You did it!  I knew you would; I just knew you would.  Oh, Middle Class, forgive me for putting you through this.  Please, forgive me.  Come in, Mr. Sanders.  Middle Class, meet Mr. Sanders.

(BERNIE SANDERS enters.)

SANDERS: Pleasure.

MIDDLE CLASS: Sanders!

PROGRESSIVE: No, no, that’s not Slugworth.  He works for me.

MIDDLE CLASS: For you? But he endorsed Hillary!

PROGRESSIVE: I had to test you, Middle Class.  And you passed the test.  You won!

OLIGARCHY: Won what?

PROGRESSIVE: The jackpot, my dear sir, the grand and glorious jackpot.

MIDDLE CLASS: A living wage?

PROGRESSIVE: Yes, a living wage, but that’s just the beginning.  We have to get on, we have to get on; we have so much time, and so little to do.  Strike that.  Reverse it.  This way please.  We’ll take the Elevator.  Step in, Middle Class.  Oligarchy, sir.  This is the Great Class Elevator.

OLIGARCHY: It’s Socialism.

PROGRESSIVE: It’s DEMOCRATIC Socialism.  Full Socialism can only go one way, but  Democratic Socialism can blend the economy, with private businesses and public services…

MIDDLE CLASS: And universal healthcare?

PROGRESSIVE: . . . and fair elections and sustained prosperity and progress for all of us, rich and not.  It can take you to any state in the union one of these buttons.  Any of these buttons.  Just press a button and ZING!  You’re off.  And up until now I’ve pressed them all . . . except one.  This one.  Go ahead, Middle Class.

MIDDLE CLASS: Me?  (He pushes the button labeled ROOSEVELT REVOLUTION.)

PROGRESSIVE: There it goes.  Hold on tight.  I’m not exactly sure what’s going to happen.  Faster, faster . . . If we don’t pick up enough speed, we’ll never get through.

MIDDLE CLASS: Get through what?

PROGRESSIVE: Ah-ha!

OLIGARCHY: You mean we’re going . . .?

PROGRESSIVE: Up and up!

OLIGARCHY: But this ceiling is made of glass.  It’ll shatter into a thousand pieces.  We’ll be cut to ribbons!

PROGRESSIVE: No one said the revolution would be easy.  Hold on, everybody.  Here it comes.

(The Elevator crashes through the roof and flies into the sky.)

OLIGARCHY: You did it, Mr. Progressive, congratulations!

PROGRESSIVE Get up.  Take a look.

MIDDLE CLASS: Grandpa, our town looks so pretty from up here.

OLIGARCHY: It’s so many of the little folks, all working together… that’s what makes this country great, isn’t it?

MIDDLE CLASS: Yes!

OLIGARCHY: It really looks beautiful.

MIDDLE CLASS: Look! There’s my school, Oligarchy! They’re rebuilding it!

PROGRESSIVE: How did you like the Democratic Socialism, Middle Class?

MIDDLE CLASS: I think it’s the most sensible idea in the whole world.

PROGRESSIVE: I’m very pleased to hear you say that because I’m giving it to you.  That’s all right, isn’t it?

OLIGARCHY: You’re giving Middle Class the–?

PROGRESSIVE: I can’t go on forever, and I don’t really want to try.  So, who can I trust to run the factory when I leave and take care of the Revolution for me?  Not an oligarch.  An oligarch would want to do everything his own way, not mine.  That’s why I decided a long time ago I had to go to the Middle Class.  America has a  very honest, loving Middle Class that I can trust to work toward everyone’s benefit.

MIDDLE CLASS: And that’s why you sent out Mr. Sanders?

PROGRESSIVE: That’s right.  So the country’s yours, Middle Class; you can move in immediately.

OLIGARCHY: And me?

PROGRESSIVE: Absolutely… as long as you don’t mind making 50 times more than your workers instead of 300.

MIDDLE CLASS: What happens to the rest of–

PROGRESSIVE: The whole country.  I want you to bring them all.  But Middle Class . . . don’t forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.

MIDDLE CLASS: What happened?

PROGRESSIVE: He lived happily ever after.

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