Have fun stormin’ the castle

Bernie supporter: All right. Who to vote for? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both vote, and find out who is right… and who is dead.

Establishment Shill: But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who is Bernie or Bust? Now, a clever man would vote for Bernie no matter who the nominee is, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the ballot in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the ballot in front of me.

Bernie supporter: You’ve made your decision then?

Establishment Shill: Not remotely. Because Bernie spent time on a kibbutz in Israel, as everyone knows, and a kibbutz is part of a sinister ploy to establish culturo-bolshevism worldwide, and socialists are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the ballot in front of you.

Bernie supporter: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Establishment Shill: Wait till I get going! Now, where was I?

Bernie supporter: Socialism.

Establishment Shill: Yes, Socialism. And you must have suspected I would have known the ideology’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the ballot in front of me.

Bernie supporter: You’re just stalling now.

Establishment Shill: You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? You’ve out-polled Trump, which means you’re exceptionally strong, so you could possibly write-in Bernie, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the ballot in front of you. But, you’ve also bested my other establishment candidates, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that it’s a two-party system, so you would have tried to infiltrate one of the major parties with socialism, so I can clearly not choose the ballot in front of me.

Bernie supporter: You’re trying to trick me into giving away something. It won’t work.

Establishment Shill: IT HAS WORKED! YOU’VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHO TO VOTE FOR!

Bernie supporter: Then make your choice.

Establishment Shill: I will, and I choose… what in the world can that be?

[Establishment Shill gestures up and away from the table. The Bernie supporter looks backwards. Establishment Shill swaps the ballots]

Bernie supporter: What? Where? I don’t see anything.

Establishment Shill: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. But no matter.

[Tries to hold back laughter]

Bernie supporter: What’s so funny?

Establishment Shill: I’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s vote. Me from my ballot, and you from your provisional.

Establishment Shill: [Establishment Shill and the Bernie supporter vote]

Bernie supporter: You guessed wrong.

Establishment Shill: You only think I guessed wrong! That’s what’s so funny! I switched ballots when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders – the most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia” – but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go in against the establishment when our tax cuts are on the line”! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha…

[Establishment Shill stops suddenly, his smile frozen on his face as Bernie wins the Presidency]

Bernie supporter: [Removes blindfold from worker’s head]

Workers: Who are you?

Bernie supporter: I am someone who wants things to get better, and that is all you need to know.

Workers: And to think, all that time it was your ballot that mattered.

Bernie supporter: They all mattered. I spent the last few years building up a working people’s movement and mobilizing voter registration while the establishment blew money on consultants.

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