Receptionist: Office of God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, can you hold?
Me: Hey, I’m here to see God?
Receptionist: Do you have an appointment?
Me: Think so, 3:17
Receptionist: You can go right in, he’s expecting you.
*nice office. Picture of Jesus on the desk, coffe mug reads “World’s Greatest Lord,” Really nice desk, too!*
God: Eric! Come on in! Love your writings!
Me: Uh, thanks…God. Anyway, I just wanted to…well not really vent, but just kinda ask you come questions.
God: (steeples fingers and leans back) Shoot!
Me: Look, I know you “work in mysterious ways” and whatnot…
God: Yeah, I love that one. Sometimes I get that one used for shit I didn’t even do, then I have a nice little chuckle?
Me: Really? Wow. Anyway…I swear sometimes you’re just picking on me. I mean, come on…I’m late for choir, but I just happen to see a knockout-looking girl in the elevator on my way there? Sheesh, are you just tormenting me or something?
God: Well, as much as I would love to take responsiblity for torturing you, I’m afraid that just doesn’t fall under my department.
Me: Oh…you saying it’s more of a, ya know, Satanic thing?
God: Oh, no no no, Me no! Well, the malicious torture yes, I suppose. I don’t know, I don’t do much dealing with Satan. He’s a total dick. No, for the playful torture you can look to these people…
Me: What peop…oh Jesus.
Jesus: Hey, don’t look at me!
Me: Grandma, Grandma? BOTH Grandpas? What the hell?
Satan: Don’t look at me either, jerkass!
Grandpa Bob: Well, me and Mel never got to know you, Eric, so we figured we’d have something to do in your life.
Grandpa Mel: And, well, we wanted to make sure your life wasn’t TOO soft, heh heh…
Grandma Doris: I’m kinda new here, I don’t know how everything works…
Grandma Marie: I’ve gotten into the swing of things. Remember you getting into All State the day I died? I pulled some strings there…
Me: So, my grandparents are up here dictating the annoying little synchronicities that make my life at the same time frustrating and fruitful?
Grandma Doris: Merry Christmas, honey.
Me: Uhhhh, thanks, I guess.
God: Are we done here? I’m teeing off with Bhudda in fifteen. He accepts suffering, but he hates it when people are late.
Me: Yeah, yeah, thanks God, see ya round.
God: Probably before you see me!
Me: Kinda creepy, Lord…see ya.
Just a little thing I cooked up. I mean, seriously, I’m late and I just happen to see her in the elevator? Was I SUPPOSED to be late? And she didn’t just say “hi,” she actually asked how I was and seemed to care…who knows.
*I knows she’s purdy*
Ah well, time for that sleep thing and stuff. Finals at eight….ugh.
Until tomorrow, I tenderly remain,